Coming up fast on the 4th of July, a day of great celebration and tradition in this country, parades, watermelon, fireworks and freaks ramming dozens and dozens of hot dogs down their esophagus’ in the name of sport. I’m talking about Nathan’s famous July 4th Hot Dog Eating Contest on Coney Island. By now you know, weirdoes will do just about anything to get on TV. Look, I like a dog as much as the next guy. And sure, I’ll even pound a second one.
Photos: Kobayashi In Competition
But these kooks knock back more dogs in 12 minutes than I have in the first 45 years of my life. A bunch of gastrointestinal athletes, up on stage, with a mountain of dogs, drowning them in water first and then hovering them. I’m sure our founding fathers would be extremely pleased and proud to know, we celebrate their sacrifice with nationally televised competitive gluttony. And the only thing worse than doing it, is not doing it. I mean, where’s the LeBron of competitive dog slamming, Kobayashi? Apparently the kid is holding out in a contract dispute. Holding out for what? Evian in his dipping cup? Look, bro. You’re playing the game for the wrong reasons. It’s the Fourth of July. PGA’ers who want to get paid to play in the Ryder Cup think you’re being ridiculous. This isn’t about getting what you think is rightfully yours. This is about you not wanting any part of Joey Chestnut. Chestnut owns you and you know it. Show up. Man up. Throw up. See you on the Fourth K.
