One of the fundamental laws of the entire universe is: “you never, ever give yourself a nickname”. You cannot self-gloss! There’s nothing cheesier, nor more unacceptable. Never throwing back across the middle late, thinks that you never self gloss is common knowledge. So if you’re Boston Celtic forward Glen Davis, and you were just dinged 25-grr for cussing out a fan…and that was after missing 27 games earlier this season for getting into a fight off the court…you’re the last person who should be trying to ditch your “Big Baby” handle for “Uno-Uno” or “11”. “Bebe Grande” as “Uno-Uno”? To quote his head coach Doc Rivers, “oh lord, no comment.” Well, I have a comment, “Ehhhhhhhh!” This isn’t how this works, “Baby”.

Nicknames aren’t chosen. They’re given. They’re earned! Doc said it best, “actions change your name most of the time. But we’ll see.” You want to lose that handle? Push away from the table! Work that handle off. Because right now, no one’s rocking a more appropriate handle. Even if you came this close to shaking it in the playoffs last year!

And don’t ask if it’s ok for “Ochocinco” to self gloss, why can’t I go with “Uno –Uno”? Chad didn’t give himself a nickname, he changed his name. Legally! He’s all in. So until I see “Uno-Uno” on the back of your Celtics’ gear, that’s just not going to fly.

Now, there is one loophole! The exception to this rule is if your self-gloss is so strong, it’s universally accepted in the community and indisputable. For instance…Chris Johnson dubbing himself “Every Coach’s Dream”. Or the “Situation” being the “Situation”! Irrefutable gloss in both cases! Chris Johnson is every coach’s dream. And the “Situation” is one!

Look, “Baby”. I know you look up to fellow LSU’er and self glossing hall of famer Shaq O’Neal, aka the “MDE”, aka the “Big Aristotle”, aka the “Big Shaqtus”. But you aren’t killing dudes on the block the way the “Clank Fu” did back in the day. We’ll let you know when you’re no longer “Big Baby”, not vice versa.